The Jekyll and Hyde of Things

A letter to the struggling

2009-09-04T12:07:00.005-06:00

I had a colleague ask me to write a letter to someone who was struggling with their testimony and with their homosexual feelings. I sent them the following and told my colleague to feel free to use it again:

Dear _________________,

I have been trying to think of what I might write to help you the most. You are probably wondering what I mean by that. You don’t know me, but we share one of the same life experiences; we are both attracted to those of our same gender.

I think one of the most important things I learned in this journey was that I wasn’t alone in my struggle. You aren’t either; there are people who have homosexual attractions and are living the Gospel, completely and happily. I know sometimes our feelings and our beliefs sometimes seem to collide, they don’t; our actions and the Gospel sometimes do. It’s not a sin to have gay feelings, but it is to act on them. I remember a time in my life when my path and the Gospel’s were, in the future, going to have to split; as they say in Hollywood divorces, because of “irreconcilable differences”. On a few occasions my prayers to Heavenly Father said something to this effect: Leave me alone God, I’m tired of being your lab rat. I also wondered what I had done in the premortal existence that ticked God off. I had many questions and few answers.

I didn’t really come to terms with my attractions until after my mission. I knew of my feelings much earlier, of course. When I was given my Patriarchal Blessing at the age of 14, the Patriarch used the phrase “this love which you have for man.” Needless to say I was freaking out at that point, he didn’t seem to notice, and when the official typed document came it stated “love which you have for people.” I remember being horribly good: reading the scriptures, fasting, and pleading through pray many, many, many, times over, making promises to get the Lord to rid me of these deplorable feelings. The much desired relief seemed out of grasp. God seemed silent, stoic, and distant on the issue. I felt terribly alone.

One day, while sitting in a fireside the speaker said something that clicked: you don’t have to earn God’s love. I don’t know why that resonated with me so well. I am guessing it had to do with I always felt I wasn’t ever doing enough for him, enough to get him to notice and love me. I was filled with God’s love. It began a change, a necessary change in heart. I am not going to pretend or falsely portray that I had this miraculous change of heart; that it changed instantly. It has happened though, and I no longer feel the shame and discouragement that once ruled my life.

Mine isn’t the only story of successfully living the Gospel, a friend of mine and some parents of someone else who is attracted to men have written a book, “In Quiet Desperation.” In it they share their personal struggles surrounding the issue. My story is that we aren’t broken, and what I mean is that having the feelings isn’t inherently wrong; acting on them is and dwelling on them leads to acting on them.

The next part I share, not as a "look-how-good-I-am" for I am far from perfect, but as an example of what can be. Currently I am a worthy temple recommend holder. I am active in the church and have a strong testimony of the Gospel. I have been called to be the Elder’s Quorum President in my ward (and still feel it awkward when they call me President). I have served in many other positions in the church. Why do I share this? To show it is possible to have these feelings and serve in all positions in the church. I have been blessed to be able to get married (I am not saying it is going to happen to all with this struggle, nor should marriage be viewed as a cure) and sealed to my beautiful wife in the temple. I haven’t ever acted out with another man; yes it is possible and YES it is worth it.

I find it odd that people call the church hateful and bigots and all sorts of other names for their stance; while on the other side of the fence they are guilty of the same offenses. The church has laid out the warning. I’ll compare it to a part of a body of water with a whirlpool in it that can suck you down to your death. The Gospel/Church have put up a sign saying “Warning! Whirlpool, no swimming.” Our acting on our impulses leads to spiritual death; just as the whirlpool can lead to physical death in this example. So the opponents of the Gospel are shouting and yelling at the sign and calling it unfair, hateful, whirlpool-phobic etc. Many continue to swim near the whirlpool and feel the great rush of feelings that can accompany such an experience. Yet unlike a whirlpool which can quickly suck an individual under, this whirlpool pulls them gradually under until they have experienced a deeper level of spiritual death (separation from God). God and the Gospel say that’s the way it is and all the protesting, parades, and other displays of disapproval of the Gospel tenant are useless; God isn’t a God of popular vote. God’s decree is to protect us and bring us the greatest form of joy possible.

I can imagine that there are people telling you right now that the only way to find peace and happiness is to embrace your sexuality and act on those feelings to pursue homosexual relationships. I am not going to be as asinine as to say there will only be heartache and sorrow in pursuing homosexual relationships. There will be periods of happiness and it will feel good, however, it won’t and can’t compare to the joy that living the Gospel of Jesus Christ, in its fullness, can bring. Homosexual relationships can’t last into the next life; they can’t bring a fullness of joy.

I once thought that I couldn’t ever be where I am. I heard the horror stories of men who would leave their wife and family to pursue a gay lover. People also told me that it wouldn’t work, that at some point I would leave my family and wife to go to that life. Right now that isn’t going to happen, and it won’t as I continue on the Gospel path I and my family are on. I am sure if I dwelt on living in a homosexual relationship, and desired for it like the children of Israel did for the Egyptian “fleshpots,” I would fall. But that which was once consumed me is no longer that important. So, I am attracted to men. So what? I’m not going to let that define who I am, nor determine the direction my life will take. There is a phrase that says “You can’t see the forest because of the tree.” I struggled and it affected my whole outlook on life because for a time I couldn’t see past the tree to see my entire life; the whole me. My wife knows of my attractions and has since we decided to start dating seriously. We have our ups and downs like any other marriage, but it works.

I am sure that you have and sometimes continue to feel that gnawing emptiness, that longing, that loneliness in your life. Again, been there, done that, burned the t-shirt. That longing can be filled in non-sexual ways; Lord approved ways. It can happen and does happen daily. I know people who have lived in homosexual relationships for years, even decades, and they have returned to the Gospel. Most have expressed sorrow for ever having to have left; they say they “settled”, but couldn’t ever find true peace. On the opposite end of the spectrum I know of others, similar to me, who haven’t ever acted on their homosexual feelings.

When I hear of people saying, or implying, that living the Gospel, having same sex attraction, and staying true to the Gospel of Jesus Christ can’t happen, I am saddened. I wish I could say/do more to share my story and my life with others to educate them. However, because of the “tolerant” atmosphere, created from intolerant members of the Church/Community and those who champion ideas contrary to the Gospel (who are often equally intolerant and spiteful), I work quietly, softening that intolerance a little at a time; educating individuals where I can. When uninformed comments about people like us are said, I’ll say “Wow, I am sure that someone with those feelings really wants to join the Church and live the gospel now.”

I am going to share with you a very personal experience I had, I believe I had it to share for occasions just like this. To give you a little background, I had just attended a conference where I met some other people with same-sex attraction. I am cutting and pasting it in, it is some kind of hybrid between a letter and a journal entry:

I am writing this first on paper so I will not forget
my thoughts. I was pondering over meeting you (who
suffer with same sex attraction), the question "Why?"
just kept ringing through my mind. Why do we
struggle with same sex attraction? My mind then wandered to another
"Why" question. "Why must the good die?" An answer in
part came, and I wanted to share with you the
stirrings of the spirit within my heart.

Before Christ died many of the great and noble ones had died;
many righteous, good souls. After he died, but before
his resurrection, Christ went to the spirit world to
organize the spirits to preach the gospel to those
who rejected him in the flesh. (D&C 138:18-31) Then
my heart was carried to you. "Why, why must these, my friends
suffer?" My heart ached as I thought of the struggles
each of you are going through, BUT THE SPIRIT FAILED
ME NOT.

I saw many of those whom I have met,
and I was taught by the Spirit.
He said to my heart, "Look!" and I looked and I
felt of your suffering, your trials, your afflictions.
Again I asked "Why?"
The spirit then said to my heart that we must
learn obedience as Christ did, even through the things
which we suffer (Heb 5:8)

The Lord is preparing an army, one that will
rebuke the damned (those who quit repenting and
trying to live righteous lives) of their sins. He will not stand alone in
saying "yes, it can and will be overcome." Our
testimonies will stem the tide of lies and deceit that
are presently overtaking the earth.

At one point in my life I have said, "I am tired
of hearing I am a choice son of God. Knowing that
means nothing, it answers nothing." I’m going to be a little forward,

I don't care if you feel that way. The truth remains each and
every one of you is a son of God, We fall, yes. We
falter, yes. Our faith weakens and wanes at times
YES! BUT, that changes nothing of the reality of it.
We make mistakes-- that is a part of the plan. If we
didn't would we need a Savior? Would we learn through
the things which we suffer?

It is my testimony that
God is the great Teacher. God doesn't punish us.
Christ came not "into the world to condemn the world;
but that the world through him might be saved." (John
3:17) We punish ourselves and bring the weight of
justice down upon our own heads. But, Christ is there
to save us. He is our Savior. He is there to return
us to our Father and our original worth. He is our
Redeemer. What is our original worth? We are the sons
of a King and a God; that is our original worth. We
are called as the Beloved Son of God to drink our cups
to the dregs. (The very bottom of the cup where the
bits and pieces of grapes (the dregs) used to make the
wine settle.)

I know that it's not easy and many times we despair
and give up hope because of our actions, but we must
try again. Those who suffer spiritual death are
people who have quit trying and in essence have damned
themselves.

We live in a time of misunderstanding--
of MANY things, but we also live in the time of the
fullness of the Gospel. Where we can know the "truth
of all things" (Moroni 10:5) Sometimes we are told,
others we must experience so we may say at the last
day, "I know my Savior because of the things I have
suffered." Just as the struggle make us closer as
mortals, it makes us closer to Christ & God, if we choose to allow it, because
they KNOW also what we are going through; he’s felt the feelings. (Alma
7:11-13)

This morning I have great reason to glory in
my weakness, for it has made me strong ( 2 Cor.
12:7-10) It has kept me closer and more reliant on my
Savior, just as the Lamanites kept the Nephites
righteous (or brought them back to righteousness) and
caused them to turn to the Author and Finisher of
their faith.

My friend, I feel God's love for you. I
finally understand, at least in part, the whole role
of suffering and homosexual feelings play in our lives. I know life
is difficult, I know personally that it holds many
challenges. But, I also feel and know the reward is
worth it. We are God's sons. We are his army. Yes,
we will stumble and fall . . . many times over and
over. BIG DEAL . . . our challenge is to get back up
and try again. We are children trying to learn to
walk. God IS helping us. Many times we fall and ask,
"Why God, why?" I have felt this many times. But the
answer is one we sometimes don't want to hear.

"So, you can grow up to be like me."

"But, WHY? Why can we not just instantly run?"

"Because my child, you would not grow like you NEED
to. Your bones and muscles need to develop, and
struggle makes the final goal of much more value."

"But it HURTS and I hate myself because I can't do it like I want to."

"Yes, I know the purifying potential of pain, and
the eternal value of patience and persistence."

"But . . . but . . ."

"Be still my child and know that I am God. I have experienced and suffered all."

I know there will be times we won't know what to
do, but God will take us by the hand and lead us to
the rod of iron, the tree of life, and heal us. God
be praised for his wonderful plan. I am grateful for
the Alpha and Omega, the one who is the beginner of
the peace in our lives and one who one day will bring
an end to our suffering. (Rev. 21:4) Jesus is the Christ, the
Holy one of Israel. He will save us, I know and one
day I will kneel at his feet and bathe them with my
tears. And for once not a one of them will be a tear
of pain, but tears of gratitude and joy. I love our
Heavenly Father. Christ showed us exactly what he
would have done had he been here and had there been
any other way he would have done it. God lives, God
Loves and so does his Son. This is my testimony- it is
true.

------

I have one thought before I close this letter here it is:

"Unfortunately, unlike Nephi, many of us just don't trust the Savior. We believe in him, but we don't trust him. We get so frightened and intimidated, so horrified by our own imperfections that we don't see how he can possibly save us from them, and we lose faith. But if these great prophets had a healthy sense of their own sins and shortcomings, and yet could still confidently maintain that they had a place in the kingdom of God, should we not learn from their examples of trust and confidence -- their examples of faith?

"Besides fear of one's own imperfection, there are other reasons why some people cannot trust the Savior. Many people fear that if the commit themselves to him and try to live the gospel loyally and faithfully, they will miss something important that the world has to offer. Often they fear that a total commitment to Christ and the Church would mean being exploited or being left unfulfilled emotionally, intellectually, or physically. There are those who want the Church in their lives but are afraid of a full embrace. The bottom line for all such is the same -- even though they may believe in him, they do not trust him. They do not yet have genuine faith in Christ."

Stephen E. Robinson, "Believing Christ," 1992, pg. 23

Faith in Christ will not leave us wanting or unrewarded from an eternal perspective.

Your friend,

Charles Mitchell

Round II

2009-08-17T23:36:00.002-06:00

Oh the irony. Last Sunday (not yesterday), I was waiting in a meeting when someone asked me what kind of people I work with as a therapist. I told him towards the end I stated that I work with people who are attracted to individuals of the same sex. He looked at me and said, "I am sure glad that is a trial that neither one of us has to face." *Sigh*

Here

2009-08-15T01:40:00.002-06:00

I am tired. However, I am not tired enough to fall asleep; my wife is sleeping away and I am jealous. There is a of stuff going on in my life: Family, being called Elders Quorum President, and work. I've had to cut back some work to maintain my sanity and my family; it seems that my son has been acting out lately and I am sure it has something to do with my lack of being there for the family.

As for the EQP calling, I am still uncomfortable being called President (my wife heckles me about it) and it was strange for me to extend a calling; this Sunday we'll set them apart if all goes as planned. We are getting things organized so we can go forth. I guess that's my personality; have things as ready as can be then set out. It is also scary when the Spirit take over and makes promises to the quorum members. I think after wards: "Did I just say that?" and pray hard that those words will be taken care of.

I love work. There are some clients that are in sticky situations; but I love all of them. I want to kick some of them sometimes, but I love them and hurt when they hurt. I try very hard not to bring that home; it has worked well except with the sticky situation. It's back to school time and so my clients are shuffling to get time slots that will fit their schedules (I work with a lot of adolescent males). There is one that I have even made concessions to meet him at 7:00 am. I know, I'm nuts, but he needs it.

I need to get to sleep. we are cleaning the church tomorrow and I need to get the Home Teaching stuff entered in the computer so we can hand them out Sunday. Until later.

One of life's laughes

2009-07-23T08:52:00.002-06:00

I just had a client come into my office. She expressed some concerns about different aspects of life. Her comments turned to her husband and some difficulties she has been having with him. She talked about time he had wandering eyes for other women. She then turned to me and asked, "Do you look at other women than your wife?(in a lustful, in her definition, way)" I was nearly dying laughing inside at the irony of the situation; her asking me, someone attracted to men, if I look at other women like her husband does. I answered as honestly and diplomatically as possible and said, "Almost all men look." I don't think a "I am attracted to men, I don't look at women that way" would have given her the needed answer. I laughed and shared the experience with a friend and my wife. *Sigh*

The vague . . .

2009-07-17T21:05:00.004-06:00

So my last post . . . I have been a part of the gay/ssa/sga/whatever LDS online support grid for ten years. I have gained many friends, and rode the emotional roller coaster that can accompany these support groups; people leaving and going, to return back a couple of years down the road wanting to live the gospel again. It was wonderful to be a part of the pain and excitement. I will miss it.

Why am I leaving? Well at the beginning of those ten years I disparately needed a therapist, and now I am one. I have begun referring clients to the online support groups, and though it may just be my line of thinking, if clients (who don't know of my attractions) found out about me: 1. that I do have attractions for those of my same gender and 2. That their therapist has had access to their posts, which had been previously thought confidential. I am not sure how that double whammy will end. Besides the fact, I like to be in somewhat control over me; when people are ready, or more accurately when the Spirit prompts, I want to be able to make that self-disclosure myself.

So this is the best plan I could come up with; the beginning of a new chapter with the close of another.

A new day.

2009-07-02T13:17:00.003-06:00

Life is crazy/strange/__________. (Fill in the blank) I just said good-bye to some of the greatest support I have had in this journey; I'm mourning. I'm mourning the loss of potential friendship, of potential support I could be. I'm mourning the fact that I have to leave because of where I live and the damaging effects that could happen if I were "found out", and because of the some other reasons I am leaving. (I'm leaving those vague on purpose.) Most of it is that I just don't have time since my new calling and that I don't want to cause some trust issues. I hurt, but am also excited to start a new chapter in my life; the Spirit hasn't failed me and continues to support me.

A thought from yester-year.

2009-07-01T09:30:00.002-06:00

I am writing this first on paper so I will not forget
my thoughts. Today (9/15/02) as I was pondering over
the Evergreen Conference and meeting many of you (who
suffer with same sex attraction), the question "Why?"
just kept ringing through my mind. Why do we
struggle with SSA? My mind then wandered to another
"Why" question. "Why must the good die?" An answer in
part came, and I wanted to share with you the
stirrings of the spirit within my heart.

Before Christ died many of the great and noble ones had died;
many righteous, good souls. After he died, but before
his resurrection, Christ went to the spirit world to
organize the spirits to preach the gospel to those
who rejected him in the flesh. (D&C 138:18-31) Then
my heart was carried to you. "Why, why must these men
suffer?" My heart ached as I thought of the struggles
each of you are going through, BUT THE SPIRIT FAILED
ME NOT.

I saw many of you, everyone whom I have met,
and I was taught by the Spirit.
He said to my heart, "Look!" and I looked and I
felt of your suffering, your trials, your afflictions.
Again I asked "Why?"
The spirit then said to my heart that we must
learn obedience as Christ did, even through the things
which we suffer (Heb 5:8)

The Lord is preparing an army, one that will
rebuke the damned (those who quit repenting and
trying to live righteous lives) of their sins. He will not stand alone in
saying "yes, it can and will be conquered." Our
testimonies will stem the tide of lies and deceit that
are presently overtaking the earth.

At one point in my life I have said, "I am tired
of hearing I am a choice son of God. Knowing that
means nothing, it answers nothing." Brethren, I don't
care if you feel that way. The truth remains each and
every one of you is a son of God, We fall, yes. We
falter, yes. Our faith weakens and wanes at times
YES! BUT, that changes nothing of the reality of it.
We make mistakes-- that is a part of the plan. If we
didn't would we need a Savior? Would we learn through
the things which we suffer?

It is my testimony that
God is the great Teacher. God doesn't punish us.
Christ came not "into the world to condemn the world;
but that the world through him might be saved." (John
3:17) We punish ourselves and bring the weight of
justice down upon our own heads. But, Christ is there
to save us. He is our Savior. He is there to return
us to our Father and our original worth. He is our
Redeemer. What is our original worth? We are the sons
of a King and a God; that is our original worth. We
are called as the Beloved Son of God to drink our cups
to the dregs. ( The very bottom of the cup where the
bits and pieces of grapes (the dregs) used to make the
wine settle.)

I know that it's not easy and many times we despair
and give up hope because of our actions, but we must
try again. Those who suffer spiritual death are
people who have quit trying and in essence have damned
themselves.

We live in a time of misunderstanding--
of MANY things, but we also live in the time of the
fulness of the Gospel. Where we can know the "truth
of all things" (Moroni 10:5) Sometimes we are told,
others we must experience so we may say at the last
day, "I know my Savior because of the things I have
suffered." Just as the struggle make us closer as
mortals, it makes us closer to Christ & God, if we choose to allow it, because
they KNOW also what we are going through. (Alma
7:11-13)

This morning I have great reason to glory in
my weakness, for it has made me strong ( 2 Cor.
12:7-10) It has kept me closer and more reliant on my
Savior, just as the Lamanites kept the Nephites
righteous (or brought them back to righteousness) and
caused them to turn to the Author and Finisher of
their faith.

Brethren, I love you. I feel God's love for you. I
finally understand, at least in part, the whole role
of suffering and SSA play in our lives. I know life
is difficult, I know personally that it holds many
challenges. But, I also feel and know the reward is
worth it. We are God's sons. We are his army. Yes,
we will stumble and fall . . . many times over and
over. BIG DEAL . . . our challenge is to get back up
and try again. We are children trying to learn to
walk.. God IS helping us. Many times we fall and ask,
"Why God, why?" I have felt this many times. But the
answer is one we sometimes don't want to hear.

"So, you can grow up to be like me."

"But, WHY? Why can we not just instantly run?"

"Because my child, you would not grow like you NEED
to. Your bones and muscles need to develop, and
struggle makes the final goal of much more value."

"But it HURTS and I hate myself because I can't do it like I want to."

"Yes, I know the purifying potential of pain, and
the eternal value of patience and persistence."

"But . . . but . . ."

"Be still my child and know that I am God. I have experienced and suffered all."

I know there will be times we won't know what to
do, but God will take us by the hand and lead us to
the rod of iron, the tree of life, and heal us. God
be praised for his wonderful plan. Hallelujah,
Hallelujah, Hallelujah. Praise be to the great I AM.
The Alpha and Omega, the one who is the beginner of
the peace in our lives and one who one day will bring
an end to our suffering. (Rev. 21:4) Jesus is the Christ, the
Holy one of Israel. He will save us, I know and one
day I will kneel at his feet and bathe them with my
tears. And for once not a one of them will be a tear
of pain, but tears of gratitude and joy. I love our
Heavenly Father. Christ showed us exactly what he
would have done had he been here and had there been
any other way he would have done it. God lives, God
Loves and so does his Son. This is my testimony- it is
true- Love y'all.

(In saying this, I know that this isn't JUST a spiritual journey, but it is a journey.)

A letter to a friend.

2008-10-21T23:23:00.004-06:00

I sent this email to a friend of mine after finding out that their son dealt with SSA, I thought you might find it helpful. I guess this might be a testimonial, anyway here it is:

After receiving your last email, entailing your interactions w/ _____ and the things you have done to understand his perspective, I received a prompting of the Spirit. I don't usually get them as strong as this was, but it was necessary. The things I have dealt with in life have taught me a great many things about God and my relationship with him.

You may remember those dark dark days of my life when I was previously living in Eastern Idaho and very depressed and suicidal. I had to come to grips with what was happening in my life; and my attractions for men. *GASP* I know, it was a great shock to me too. My Mother and Father know of my struggles. They don't talk much about them unless I press the issue, and that's okay. It was at that point that I looked for information on how to help me live the gospel and deal with these feelings. Because, as all people who deal with these feelings know "I was the only one in the church that dealt with it." The Lord knew when things needed to happen. I felt that God hated me, that I had committed some atrocious offense in the pre-mortal realm for God to leave me with this "curse." Since then I have learned of the blessings this "life experience" has afforded me. It is no longer a curse. (Of course it was at this time that I also met my wife). With a lot of help things became . . . more manageable.

My wife was/is great and wonderful. I told her of my attractions before we started dating seriously; I didn't want to waste HER time. She had patience with me as I worked through the initial awkwardness of getting comfortable with simple things ie holding hands. (Which is very natural now.) Things work in all aspects of our relationship now (hence the two boys and a baby on the way). Am I attracted to my wife? Yes, perhaps she will be the only female I will ever be attracted to.

Here comes an interesting part about me (and all this only came about and prevailed because of the gospel's teachings and the Lord helping me live the gospel) I haven't ever acted inappropriately with another male. So if someone were to ask me if I were "gay," I would tell them I am not and be completely honest with them. I am attracted to men, but I don't allow that to define who I am.

I have heard the argument that "You don't know what you are missing" and the "you are just as homophobic as most straight people," and the ultimate one "why do you deny who you really are?" I turn that question back on them. I know who I am and what my potential is. I know Heavenly Father's and the Lord's plan for his children and that lifestyle (one that includes having a sexual relationship with a man) is not a part of the plan of happiness. Do people find happiness in it? Yes, to a degree, though temporary and fleeting. Those types of relationships can't last, in that state, into the next life. As you know, in August my Sister was killed in a car wreck; it was sudden and unexpected, but a real part of life. It brings be great comfort to know that I will be with my sister again, and we will be a family forever; that's God's promise and he isn't a liar.

Will these feelings go away in this life? I don't know. I just live one day at a time and leave that outcome in the Lord's hands. This life is a life of sacrifice, a life where we give up somethings we desire, but aren't good for us. One of my favorite lines in the movie "The Prince of Egypt" is said by Pharaoh when talking to Moses about the killing of the Israelite babies. "Sometimes, for the greater good, sacrifices must be made." There is no greater good than the "good news" of the gospel and that way of life, the one where I turn away from the gospel, has to be sacrificed. Another quote comes from Harry Potter's Godfather Sirius Black, "We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are."

Is it difficult? Some days more than others, currently I find other parts of my life more challenging. I KNOW that God lives, and I can't deny it. I never have, nor will I ever dare to. This knowledge and the truths that are taught in the scriptures (Alma 7:11-13 teaches that Christ experienced my struggles, my infirmities so he would know how to succor (or run to according to Elder Holland) me. I have lost many friends along the way, but I know the truth, and things are much easier now than when I first began my journey. There ARE people who live the gospel and stay true to it, and are truly happy and their lives are filled with joy. But the ones I know of, most of them live ordinary lives.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. . .

2008-05-16T10:27:00.002-06:00

Here is a letter/post that I sent to many of my friends today:

My life is taking an interesting turn right now; a re-turn in fact. We are moving back to the city where much of my journey took place. I have finished school (well I am applying to a PhD program there that would start next year) and so we are moving back closer to family and back to the place where me and my wife met. It will be interesting to see what specters, from my life then, may await me there. It was a very difficult time for me; a time of immensely painful, yet exponential, growth.

Today I am going to start packing, though the move is one week away. It is odd to me that I am so . . . contemplative. I have been so caught up in the rig amoral of life that I really haven't had time to ponder life's questions. Two wonderful sons, a wonderful wife, of almost 5 years now (it is so odd to me that I am married; it was a very foreign idea to me) have filled my time, and now I have nearly passed grad school with a current GPA higher than my undergrad. I am just a few elective hours away from the diploma; my program goes one calendar year for a degree rather than the typical two academic years; as those cohorts earning the same degree I "graduated" with have done.

I just wanted most of all to thank those of you who have helped me get this far and those I have become good friends with or had the time to become friends with. lol

Thanks again,

p.s. if this sounded as a good-bye it isn't . . . I know that disappoints some of you. lol

Here I go again.

2008-04-14T00:05:00.002-06:00

I know it has been a while. I haven't had much time to think or ponder the complexities of life recently. I have begun to close off to the world, again. I am going to try to do better; again.

Why?

2007-01-04T01:17:00.000-07:00

Today I had a friend ask me an interesting question. "Do you blog?" Now that may not seem so unusual to some, but to me it opened up another question: "Why not?" Blogging is an interesting concept to me. I am so much more a face to face conversationalist. I love the interaction rather than just talking out into some ethereal nothingness of cyberspace hoping someone will hear my voice. Favoring the face to face interaction does two things. It allows for those communicating the chance to interpret each other's body language and unspoken cues and it allows individuals the chance to interact in-person.

It is just so difficult for me to express my thoughts and not be able to understand how they are being recieved; if I am conveying them well enough. Who knows. I am still thinking about it.

Faith

2006-06-15T11:19:00.000-06:00

I came across these quotes and thought maybe they'd be helpful.

"If any of us are imperfect, it is our duty to pray for the gift that will make us perfect... No man ought to say "Oh I cannot help this; it is my nature." He is not justified in it, for the reasons that God has promised to give strength to correct these things, and to give gifts that will eradicate them. If a man lack wisdom, it is his duty to ask God for wisdom. The same with everything else. That is the design of God concerning his Church. He wants his Saints to be perfected in the
truth. For the purpose He gives these gifts, and bestows them upon those who seek after them, in order that they may be a perfect people upon the face of the earth."

George Q. Cannon, "Millennial Star", 23 April 1894, page 260

And-

"Unfortunately, unlike Nephi, many of us just don't trust the Savior. We believe in him, but we don't trust him. We get so frightened and intimidated, so horrified by our own imperfections that we don't see how he can possibly save us from them, and we lose faith. But if these great prophets had a healthy sense of their own sins and shortcomings, and yet could still confidently maintain that they had a place in the kingdom of God, should we not learn from their examples of trust and confidence -- their examples of faith?

"Besides fear of one's own imperfection, there are other reasons why some people cannot trust the Savior. Many people fear that if the commit themselves to him and try to live the gospel loyally and faithfully, they will miss something important that the world has to offer. Often they fear that a total commitment to Christ and the Church would mean being exploited or being left unfulfilled emotionally, intellectually, or physically. There are those who want the Church in their lives but are afraid of a full embrace. The bottom line for all such is the same -- even though they may believe in him, they do not trust him. They do not yet have genuine faith in Christ."

Stephen E. Robinson, "Believing Christ," 1992, pg. 23

Faith in Christ will not leave us wanting or unrewarded from an eternal perspective.

Loss

2006-05-21T10:40:00.000-06:00

I am losing a friend soon. He helped me though a lot of garbage, and I haven’t been as close to anyone for quite a while. Have you ever seen that movie “Powder?” I feel so much like him at times; a pariah. It seems that no one quite understands, some are very supportive, most not sure how to react, and some acting out in pure hatred (fear). Though, you wouldn’t guess it when meeting me in person. (Would you, those who have met me?) I struggle with manic depression among other things, hence the title of my blog Jekyll and Hyde. It is so hard trying to get every one to see the Dr. Jekyll inside of me, and not let them have a clue as to the darker, more unpredictable side.

But, back to my original theme; I am losing my friend. This is difficult because, like I said before, we have been close. I don’t find many close friends, I mean ones that I feel comfortable to call on at the last moment and know they’ll be there for me. Funny; most of my closest friends have very little in common with me. With some exceptions we share the same religion, which is the glue that holds us together. Plus, they get me out of my shell to explore new avenues of thought and entertainment.

I had one experience in High School when I lost a friend, well I am not sure the bonds of friendship had time to be forged, then because of social status, I was dropped then was a friend, dropped, then was a friend again; a cycle replaying itself over and over agian. Maybe this is partly why losing a friend is particularly difficult for me. It’s not like my life has enough drama in it going through the bipolar cycle. I just want to throw up the white flag and say, “Okay, I give, God!!! What is it you want me to learn? What is it you want from me?” Perhaps it is for me to grow beyond the circle I keep around me. It is easier to be lonely. I know I am a sensitive person, that’s just me. Maybe I am blowing things way out of proportion, which isn’t altogether inconceivable knowing the erratic emotional rollercoaster ride I take because of my struggles. Maybe I will write more later.

Personal Restrictions

2006-04-21T14:57:00.000-06:00

I put up this blog with the hopes that I would be able to write something meaningful. But, it seems that my endeavors have been paralyzed because of my "closeted" perfectionist-ic ways. If you were to meet me outside the ether of cyberspace, you would not be able to guess of my ways. But isn’t that the experience of all? We can rarely see each other’s deepest vices and imperfections. I often just want to write things that help people. But, should I care what people think? Perhaps it isn’t what people think as much as it is me wondering if I am helping. Guess I’ll try again with this.

Know it alls

2005-03-10T00:32:00.000-07:00

I can't help but to feel sorry for those who ignorantly want to stay in ignorance (I know redundant.) People claim to know things they have no clue about. They tout the philosophies of men and expect homage at their depth in wisdom, when in actuality all of it is fluff. Who will remember the majority of what they say when they are dead anyway?